To Find Meaning
by ShipperTrish
Summary: What is the perfect life? The infamous "happy ending"?... It's like asking the question "What is the meaning and purpose of life?" No one really knows the answer. WARNING: SPOILERS for "Legend" and "Prodigy."


WARNING: SPOILERS for_ Legend_ and _Prodigy_ written by Marie Lu.

What I wrote may be contradicted after the final book comes out, but for now I'm basing what I wrote on how the second book ended.

In honor of the woman who once wrote a fanfic about Sonic the Hedgehog having a tree fall on him and having to live in a wheelchair forever. I'm the girl at the Barnes and Noble in L.A. who begged you for there to be a cure, who told you your ending left me depressed, and who you told in response, "I know this sounds bad, but that really makes me feel good!" You sadist.

Disclaimer: I do not own_ Legend_ or _Prodigy_. No copyright infringement intended.

**To Find Meaning**

What is the perfect life? The infamous "happy ending"? Is it marriage? Having children? Owning a house and a dog? Having a successful career?

If so, and the perfect life is measured by these terms, then June would have to say that her life was indeed perfect and as complete as it ever would be:

She was happily married to a man who loved her more than anything else, even more than the country he had fought so hard for.

She was the proud mother of two beautiful, healthy children: a boy and a girl, even, the perfect balance. One child for her husband to share "manly" things with, and one for her to share more "girly" things with.

Ollie may have passed away a long time ago from old age, but she still had one of his descendants, and her children loved that dog as much as she had loved her beloved Ollie.

She may not have a house with a huge grassy yard and a white picket fence, but she did live in one of the most luxurious penthouses in the city. It even had its own balcony that let her look out at the entire city.

Career wise she had gone above and beyond her military aspirations, earning the highest honors, and now she one of the most respected and loved Princeps, second in command only to the Elector himself.

June had absolutely no reason to complain about her life because by most people's standards, she had everything, and yet...

June gently slid the glass door shut behind her and slowly stepped out onto the balcony. The city was so beautiful tonight. It usually was, but tonight the sky was particularly clear and she was able to look out at the city further than normal.

She lifted her hand up and gently rubbed the quarter that was hanging loosely on a chain around her neck. By now it was well polished from the oil from her fingertips, from years upon years of her rubbing the metal like a rosary bead or a good luck charm, a token of a memory she never wanted to let go. She had a tendency to go back and forth between playing with the necklace around her neck and the wedding ring around her finger, but more often than not, it was the necklace she both consciously and unconsciously reached for first.

Although her fingertips felt the solidity of the coin and felt the slight weight of it, her mind was completely elsewhere.

She was now forty. In fact, today was her fortieth birthday. How did she go from being a young, ambitious fifteen year old to being a mature, well accomplished forty year old woman? How is it that time sometimes seems to fly by at the blink of an eye?

Forty. She remembered when she was younger how forty seemed old. Not grandma old, necessarily. Just old-er, like old enough to be someone's mother, and yet here she was, forty, and yes, she was indeed someone's mother.

Day had never made it to forty. He had never even made it past his teens. _What would Day have been like if he had been forty like her?_ June wondered. Maybe his long blond hair would have streaks of gray along with it. Perhaps there would be wrinkles around his bright blue eyes. Perhaps he'd be standing next to her now paying more attention to her instead of the view, and she'd be looking out at the view pretending not to pay attention to him paying attention to her.

June took a deep breath, feeling the pinpricks at the back of her eyes, the city lights below looking much blurrier, but still she continued to wonder, wonder what life would have been like if only he had lived.

What kind of person would he be now? What kind of person would she be? Would she still be the loyal Princeps? The supportive wife? The doting mother? She was definitely more domesticated these days, and yet when she had been with Day, he had always made her edgier somehow.

What if she had everything she had now, only with Day instead? What if she was_ his_ wife and mother to_ his_ children instead? Would her life truly be complete then? Would she be truly happy then?

So many questions, and no one to really answer them except the answers she tried to come up with herself. It's like asking the question "What is the meaning and purpose of life?" No one really knows the answer because everyone has their own opinion about it.

It was pointless to wonder anyway because the past is the past and it's in the past in the first place for a reason: Because you're meant to learn from it and move forward, hopefully knowing how to make better decisions in the present and future, but there's something simply alluring about losing oneself in the past. There's something comforting about allowing your mind to play with something familiar, and there's some stupid instinct inside of you that makes you think that if you just worry about the past long and hard enough, that maybe you could somehow fix it, but that's simply not how life works. June could ask questions all night long and it would never bring Day back to life, but even now, decades later, she still could not let him go.

You never really let go of your first love, or _anyone_ you loved for that matter: family, friends, pets. Loss is loss. Time will pass and you will move on and you will think of them less and less and soon you'll become so preoccupied with the people and the events in your present, that it isn't until a random memory is triggered that you begin to think of that loved one again. Then you don't want to let go of the past because it's all you have left of that loved one. It's the only thing that's keeping them alive. The only thing that allows them to be yours again.

If Day were here now, she knew that he would be proud of her and everything she had accomplished in life. Before he had died, he had wanted her to become the Princeps and now she was.

He would be happy for her too. He had wanted her to be happy and to go on living and to have someone in her life, even if it couldn't be him. Before he had died he had made sure that she knew that too. He may not have had the best relationship with Anden, but he couldn't begrudge the fact that he was a good man and loved June almost as much as Day himself did, because no one would ever truly love June as much as Day did, but he had to be realistic and if he had to pass June on to someone else, Anden was that person. Day would have preferred for it be him, but circumstances being what they were...

June let out a shuddering breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

What was the point of bringing someone into your life, only to have that person taken away?

There was no doubt that Day had a purpose in life. He had risked everything and reunited a country that was falling to pieces. He had inspired an entire nation towards rebellion, resurrection, and renewal. Finally, by dying he ensured that he would live on forever as a legend, a martyr of sorts.

But for June...He had been so young. He had so much more potential. _They_ had so much more potential together. So again, why bring someone into your life, only to have them taken away?

June let the hot tears stream down her face, not bothering to wipe them away.

If the past is the past so that you can learn from it, what was the purpose in loving Day? To know what it was to love? To know what it was to lose someone you loved? To learn how to become someone you would never have thought to become if not for that other person?

And where did that leave her? Broken and alone? Not truly alone, but still alone?

Was this the balance to her perfect life? To always have the lingering memory of a person she could never truly have?

And yet for all the pain this caused her, she never wanted to forget him. She would never wish to have never met him. She was grateful she had known him, had the chance to love him and be loved by him. She would never want him ripped out of her heart and mind as much as it killed her inside to have him there in the first place, because perhaps that is the reason we are brought into this world, perhaps that is the purpose and meaning in life: To love and be loved in return, no matter how fleetingly and even if it breaks our heart.

_I'm truly growing old_, June thought, because she was contemplating life a great deal more these days. Growing older makes you like that, most especially when you have half your life behind you and the other half of what's left in front of you. It's not like when you're younger and have your entire life still ahead of you. She was sure that when she was even older than she was now, a senior citizen, that she would be even more contemplative of her existence in this world.

June tilted her head up to the starry night sky and slowly closed her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered into the empty night air, and with that, June took in one last deep breath and went back in to her waiting husband and children.


End file.
